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  • Jun. 14th, 2010 at 5:03 PM
satan pancake
I just had to share, I weigh less right now than I have in over 15 years; I weigh 174! I'm out of the 200's!!! YAYYYYYYY!!
satan pancake
1. Don't pass out at a carnival, or you'll end up pregnant. (This one may actually apply in real life.)
2. Superman aged well.
3. Really well.
4. Kirstie Alley has one big eyebrow and one little eyebrow, and they call the bitch Biggie Smalls.
5. If you're thinking about aborting a space baby, think again, because you'll have nightmares about being dressed as some kind of ethereal Goddess floating in a purple room, listening to the cries of lots of other space babies.
6. You, madam, are no Joan Chen.
7. Mark Hamill makes a very, very scary preacher.
8. Eyedrops burn, especially if they have a red cap.
9. Wait a minute, THOSE WEREN'T EYEDROPS!
10. Even space babies need love.
11. Space babies prefer to dress like they're enrolled in some Dickensian boarding school.
12. The head space baby walks like she has some intergalactic stick up her ass.
13. That guy plays a hobo in every single John Carpenter movie.
14. I liked him better in Wishmaster.
15. Don't hit a space baby in the face with a broomstick. They really don't like that.
16. These kids could give ROTC members lessons in marching in unison.
17. Broom impalement is a heck of a way to go.
18. Encyclopedias give space babies bad ideas, especially the section on Vlad the Impaler.
19. You are not the boss of the space babies.
20. Hahahahaha she said "Super Sperm." From the CIA.
21. Super sperm...hee hee hee.
22. Didn't they use that same fake baby in House of 1000 Corpses?
23. You know, Superman could just fly around the Earth backwards and prevent this whole thing.
24. These kids definitely could use some of that "Total Transformation" program they advertise on the radio.
25. If your child's eyes glow red or green, that's a good time to get the eff out of dodge.
26. These space babies are some cold mothers.
27. Damn that girl can enunciate.
28. She doesn't pretend to read very well, though.
29. Mobs with torches and pitchforks are frigging awesome, unless they're after you.
30. Self autopsy will reveal a lot about your inner self.
31. Superman is dyn-o-mite!

Martini time!

  • Jan. 26th, 2010 at 2:40 AM
satan pancake
For the podcast I'm looking into various adult beverages, and Sunday night I made a martini.

Damn, but that was good. 3 ingredients: Gin, dry vermouth, and green olives.

I went the classic method: 2 1/2 oz gin, 1/2 oz vermouth; poured over ice and stirred, then strained into a chilled martini glass, and garnished with 3 olives on a pick.

The flavor is interesting; I haven't ever been much of a gin drinker, and I have heard horror stories about vermouth, but together they make magic as far as I'm concerned. The gin is smooth and flowery, and the vermouth hits it with something I can't quite describe; makes it slightly sweeter, more like a wine from the way it feels in the mouth. The salt from the olives creates a very sexy undertone, like tasting your lover's sweat. I feel the gin blush rising, the heat flowing from my stomach up through my neck, resting in my ears. Wonderful.

Now I understand why the "martini lunch" was/is so popular; this drink is so smooth and makes you want to sit back and enjoy some jazz music and pleasant conversation. A perfect way to take a break during a hectic day at work, especially in the days before Prozac became a household name. I can't say how a martini would affect someone on Prozac; I'm sure it would make them care even less about their various issues.

I can also see why both men and women alike embraced this drink back in the great heyday of cocktails. Men can appreciate it because it is truly no-nonsense: three ingredients, one glass, beverage is prepared. This drink has rules you must follow, or you'll screw it up, and have to start again.

Women can appreciate it, because to make a good martini is to ensure that your man is happy when presented with a well-made, delicious drink after work or before dinner; or when hanging out with the girls, you can impress your friends with your mad drink-mixing skills. Its simplicity is also nice, again, 3 ingredients, and everyone is smiling. I, for one, welcome a simple way to condense sophistication, and the martini is that to a tee.

My glass is a little big, as you can see; but I like the stemless glasses.

I know a lot of you are thinking about the 007 "shaken, not stirred" creation; but the difference is that is a vodka martini, and not at all what I am talking about. I have said it before, and I will say it again: just because it is served in a martini glass does not make it a martini. I'm looking at you, appletini, strawberrytini, mangotini...don't even mention a chocolate martini. Those do not even exist to me; I do not believe in them. They offend something deep within me. This is a classic, a standard, and needs no adulteration.

The martini episode will be very interesting indeed, if this test is any indication.

In other news, the eating better and exercising has paid off in a fantastic way; I am down to an 18/20 in shirts, and a 22 in pants. I haven't been this small since...well, ever. I haven't weighed, but people can tell the difference, and I can in my clothes most definitely. I'll be taking a load of jeans to the Clothesline to sell or trade out for smaller. I am very pleased.

I have also been promoted to shift lead at work, and I will be getting a small raise immediately and another one after 30 days. I am bummed out about having to work Superbowl Sunday; I actually enjoy the occasional bit of sport, and this is a game I wanted to see, if nothing else for the company.

The love life is still in a holding pattern, but I think things may come in for a landing in the very near future. I'm pleased with the pace everything is going at, except sometimes it gets awful lonely here in this bed. I've gone this long, though, right? I'm not going to rush out and do anything stupid.

If you have the chance, check out the book Atomic Lobster. It is an excellent bit of what I call "Florida Fiction," in the vein of Dave Barry, Jimmy Buffett, Carl Hiassen, and the like.

A little country love song I came up with

  • Jan. 18th, 2010 at 3:08 AM
satan pancake
I wanna be your Wanda Bodine
I won't holler, I won't fuss, and I won't fight
I wanna be your Wanda Bodine
and kiss you in the trailer park each night

I'll clean the double-wide, I'll Turtle Wax your car
I'll even change the oil if you're sweet
I'll bring your dinner to you in your easy chair
I'll rub your neck, your shoulders, even rub your feet

When you go bowlin' I'll be out with the girls
at the salon gettin' my press-on nails painted red
When you come stumblin' home at a quarter after four
I'll take off your boots and put you straight to bed

Because I wanna be your Wanda Bodine
I won't holler, I won't fuss, and I won't fight
I wanna be your Wanda Bodine
and kiss you in the trailer park each night

I'll crease your blue jeans, I'll let you have the last beer
I'll watch whatever movie that you please
I'll love you right beneath the sun or moonlight
My stuff is guaranteed, I'll never be a tease

You may act like a caveman sometimes, it's true
So let's get pre-historic, baby; I love you

I wanna be your Wanda Bodine
I won't holler, I won't fuss, and I won't fight
I wanna be your Wanda Bodine
and kiss you in the trailer park each night

Please let me be your Wanda Bodine
Your bleach-blonde blue-eyed trailer park dream
I just want to be your Wanda Bodine
I'll never be girly or mean
Honey let me be your Wanda Bodine
And love you for the rest of your life
Yes, I want to be your future ex-wife
Your Wanda Bodine

Things I have learned from The Blob

  • Jan. 8th, 2010 at 6:05 PM
satan pancake
1. Taking girls out in cars to watch for shooting stars is smooth, and she will fall for your lines.
2. Meteor hits in the surrounding area will interrupt even the hottest date.
3. Poking meteors that have just landed with sticks results in serious injury.
4. You can't scrape meteor shit off your hand with a stick.
5. Meteor shit spreads like wildfire across the human body.
6. Doctors in small towns don't have the capacity to handle people injured by meteor shit.
7. Trichloroacetic acid, while good for the removal of warts, does not work on giant blobs of angry strawberry jelly. In fact, if you throw it on the blob, you are going to regret it. (I'm looking at you, nurse!)
8. Strawberry jelly that moves on it's own volition is terrifying.
9. The only effect guns have on the blob: they make it hungry.
10. No matter what, if you are under the age of 18, the police won't believe you, and will mock you openly.
11. Landladies will destroy evidence faster than you can say...er...destruction of evidence.
12. Steve McQueen (Or Steven as he's billed) can pout like a champ.
13. You can make your buddies leave a movie halfway through by saying you need to tell them "something important."
14. No matter what, if you are under the age of 18, anything you say of any importance to any adult will be scoffed at and disbelieved.
15. Doors won't stop the blob. Don't even bother.
16. Even in life or death situations, you give the lady your coat. That's good manners, young man.
17. Just like at the drive in, if there is something going on that you don't like, or you need someone's attention, you lean on the horn. If you have access to an air-raid, fire, or tornado siren, even better.
18. But if you're under 18, nobody will listen to you anyway, so you may as well not even bother.
19. If the blob happens to tackle you, those stains are never coming out.
20. Little kids who think their Lone Ranger guns can take care of the monster are badass; especially when they run out of caps and resort to throwing the gun at the threat.
21. Only when the crisis is unavoidable will the authorities believe the teenagers.
22. If guns won't hurt it, electricity's not going to either.
23. It's a good idea to pretend that everything is alright in the face of certain death; in fact, take a nice nap, and it's all going to turn out okay.
24. Fire extinguishers are now rated type A, B, C, D, and Blob.
25. Nothing unites a community like fighting a creature from Outer Space.
26. Golly, it's fun to shoot fire extinguishers!
27. We need to get a handle on global warming, and fast, because if the Arctic thaws out, the Blob is back.

At night, the ice weasels come...

  • Jan. 8th, 2010 at 12:53 AM
satan pancake
I'm laying here looking out the window at the snow-covered wasteland that is my driveway, and I really want it to be spring right...now.

Other than that, things are going quite well here; I am getting promoted to shift lead at the new job; apparently I'm so awesome that they're doing it before my 90-day probationary period is up, so that rocks! I've also made some amazing strides on my physical health; the office complex we work in has a 24-hour gym that we have unlimited access to, and I have been busting it out every day I work. Yesterday I did 120 crunches and a mile on the elliptical...and liked it. I can't remember the last time I would do 1 crunch voluntarily, let alone 120 of them. I was sore, but it was a good sore. I was able to wear a pair of jeans that I haven't been able to wear for 4 or 5 months today. I've also been doing either Sweatin' to the Oldies or Carmen Electra's Aerobic Striptease at home, so I'm staying active, but it upsets Taydo to no end. He tries to curl up at my feet or lay on me when I'm on the floor, and he becomes incensed when I move. I want it to warm up so I can start walking down to the coffee shop and back, which would be almost 2 miles round trip. I want to get out of the 200s. If I can get down to 185, that would be awesome, and that would prove I could go even farther.

I've also joined a challenge-no fast food for 30 days, and haven't broke it yet, and don't plan on it. I will say, though, that Tuesday I could have killed somebody for a double cheeseburger from BK, but I resisted.

I broke out the paintbrushes the other night, and did a blue and red abstract piece I called, "Mixed Signals," and in typical Bone fashion I have it all striped and swirled and globbered up so you can touch it and feel the lines and bumps. I haven't painted in a long time, either, and it was so very satisfying, even though it's amateurish; it feels good.

All I know is, 2010 is going to be my year for awesomeness, and it's only going to get better. For now, I am going to read a little, and drift off to sleep.

Tweets of Interest

  • Nov. 29th, 2009 at 10:09 AM
satan pancake

  • 10:34 If I don't acquire a decent cup of coffee, heads are gonna roll. #

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Tweets of Interest

  • Nov. 28th, 2009 at 10:07 AM
satan pancake
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Tweets of Interest

  • Nov. 27th, 2009 at 10:08 AM
satan pancake

  • 11:20 Have a happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Be safe if you're driving anywhere! #

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Tweets of Interest

  • Nov. 21st, 2009 at 10:06 AM
satan pancake
  • 12:57 TGIMFF!! #
  • 21:13 Eleven can't get here fast enough; wanna get home and chill. #
  • 23:11 Woo for a 3 day weekend cram-packed with rum and awesomeness! #
  • 02:22 @instructionfree eww no; rum only comes two ways: in the bottle, or in my gullet, so sayeth the pirate. #
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